We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
