I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
