You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize