Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
