The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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