This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
