I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
