dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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