The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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