Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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