You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
