Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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