i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
