god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize