I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Are we still banned from the library?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I want a musical about memes.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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