There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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