i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
