well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
