Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
