Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
