So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
