READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
