Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
