We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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