Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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