Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
