Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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