I met the friendliest cop last night
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
