If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
