I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
