Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
