I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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