I am in a vortex of obligation.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
