Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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