I will die if light touches me.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
