Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm bleeding and have questions
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
