Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
