I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
