pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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