I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
