Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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