Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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