Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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