girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
