So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
