she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize