remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
