I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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