just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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