Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
