Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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