just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
two words...techno handjob
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
