my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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