He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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