Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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