I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
