I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
