I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
